Setting Priorities for Better Balance and Less Guilt
By Terri Herren
I purposely did not read John Gray’s best-selling book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” because I thought validating gender differences would be detrimental to the careers of aspiring women. During the past five years I have been working to advance the role of women leaders, I must admit there are some interesting differences between the genders. While not all women or men can or should be cast into stereotypical roles, there is merit to understanding, accepting, and including differences in our workplaces and communities.
As a whole, women in the workplace receive high marks for their ability to handle many things at one time or multi-task. This is particularly appealing to bosses who depend on individuals to gather the pieces and make it all come together. A couple of years ago I was talking about project details with my then new administrative assistant. She said, “You don’t need to worry about those little details. The men I worked for in the past never did.” In my usual multi-tasking mode and attempt to be considerate, I learned that I was disempowering her. I said okay, thanked her, and have since tried not to concern myself with what she considered her value proposition. My assistant instructed me to focus on higher priorities because she was there to multi-task for me.
Working women ask all the time how they can balance work and life. I have considered writing a book on the subject. Inside the book would be these words: “You can’t have balance at work if you don’t have balance at home”. The end. Balance requires having the commitment of family members, most importantly your significant other. The time to do this is prior to life changing events such as career advancement, marriage and starting a family. Sit down with your significant other and commit to writing the most important things for both of you. If income is one of your top priorities, together you must decide how this will be accomplished. Most often it will require outside assistance like after school childcare, events transporter, prepared meals-to-go, etc. While this sounds rather simplistic, it is easier said than done. Most of the time, the thing that derails the plan is guilt - and not your male significant other’s guilt.
Guilt can bring about more repercussions than extreme multi-tasking. A female senior manger whose husband is a stay-at-home parent admits she feels guilty for not spending more time with her child, even though she knows the child is well-cared for. Perhaps this is a societal outcome for which men do not have to bare but the fact is this woman’s burden adversely impacts her work and life. Several years ago my husband said, “You know I clean the kitchen better than you”. I told him I agreed. I no longer feel guilty because being Martha Stewart is not one of my priorities.
Involving the entire family in discussions about the realities about what can be accomplished and their priorities should lead to a reduction in guilt. If you learn that your son’s priority is your attendance at his school plays as opposed to baking treats for his class parties, you can make this one of your priorities. Writing down your home priorities is like documenting your work objectives – It keeps you and your family focused. However, the most powerful way to accomplish your priorities is by discussing them with others because by verbalizing you are more likely to commit.
Balance is not a standard measurement that can be applied to everyone alike. However, we must come to the realization that doing everything for everyone will not allow balance. Guilt can be minimized when those important in our lives – family, friends, co-workers, and bosses understand and accept our priorities.